I don’t really know what to write.
I don’t really know what to write. I just feel like I need to write something. It’s like an itch I can’t quite reach. I want to express myself, but I don’t really know how to do so.
I don’t know if I’m a good writer. I’ve written blogs in the past — a few, actually. One of my posts went almost viral in 2014. That was exciting. I have been reading articles here on Medium for a while now, just thinking about what I would write if I actually put my mind to it. When I would spend time writing in the past, I would normally need to feel inspired. I needed a sort of energy to pass through me and bring ideas to my mind and then my fingertips. That works really well… until you start to find it hard to find that energy. Inspiration begins to come only once in a while. You stop writing.
So here’s my new tactic: rambling. Lucky you!
Maybe I should talk about myself some more. I’m a young adult living in a big city. I’m a graduate student. One day soon, I’ll be someone’s therapist. That’s pretty cool/scary/oh my god what if I ruin someone’s life.
I’m also, as most of us seem to be these days, depressed as hell. So… maybe this writing thing will help?
Alright — let’s get to the point of this post.
Uh.
Any suggestions?
I don’t want to be a buzzkill, but I do like talking about being depressed. It just feels so GOOD to let it out, right? Posting it on the internet for everyone to see? At the same time hoping and praying no one who I actually see in my day to day life comes across it? Count me in.
I’m a cynical optimist. A true paradox. What’s wrong with being a little skeptical?
So what makes me want to talk about being sad all of the time to everyone I don’t know? Not sure. But, I’m working on figuring that out. I think it’s the feeling of being alone. Part of me thinks that people will come across this post and be curious about what I have to say. Maybe someone will find it relatable and save it. If someone highlights a sentence I wrote, I truly might shed a tear. Perhaps I’m seeking validation, yet, I’m writing this expecting that no one will read it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating. Usually, it’s right when I wake up or when the sun starts to set. I’m not really sure what is triggering that anxiety, I just know that I want it to stop. So sometimes I meditate, sometimes I try some deep breathing, and sometimes I just try to ignore it (which never really works). It is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I think the earth might collapse into itself right then and there. Is that… normal?
Being a depressed person while studying to help depressed people is weird. I know it doesn’t work this way, but I do feel like I am searching for a cure. I am always looking for ways to calm my anxiety or ease my sadness. Sometimes I feel like giving up the search. Sometimes I stop for a while and soak in my disappointment, but that gets old. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want anyone else to either.
It feels good to say these things.
The weather is changing and the days are getting shorter. It scares me to think of how little sunlight there will be. I am not sure why the darkness scares me. I feel like the day is ending, even though the clock shows that it is late afternoon. I start to feel like I can’t breathe and my heart begins to race as I watch the nightfall over the city. Even when with people, I suddenly feel very alone. I feel vulnerable to my anxieties.
Oh god.
It’ll be okay.
Right?
…. is that normal?
…
I’ll figure it out eventually, I hope. I appreciate any help that comes my way.
