What’s it like having Borderline Personality Disorder?
I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Highlight this sentence if you already know what that is.
I’m guessing that most people don’t.
Before I was diagnosed with BPD, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD), major depression, then Bipolar, and finally my team of psychology professionals came to the conclusion that I have BPD.
Here are the basics of the disorder:
- Everyone is going to leave me
- I don’t know who I really am or what I like
- I will constantly conform to the behaviors of the people I am with because of a desperate need to fit in
- I really really need attention
- I feel like you’re suffocating me
- Are you mad at me? Are you sure? Do you promise?
- Do you love me? Really? Do you promise?
- Can you promise you won’t leave?
- Can you stop calling me, you talk to me too much I can’t stand it
So um. Yeah. It can be a little difficult because it seems that everything I say, I later contradict. I have been trying to research BPD, but there really is not much done on it. There are no medications that fix it, and therapy only works a small percentage of the time.
I feel like life is a movie. I’m just watching my life go by, looking from above. It’s like I’m not really there all the time. Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I do just scream. Sometimes I just watch.
Having BPD isn’t bad. You read all these articles about how most people with borderline personality are unable to have relationships, are unable to give and receive love… and that just isn’t true. I love so intensely. It’s almost as if it consumes me. When I love, I love with every atom that makes up my body. Relationships are intense, yes, but they’re f*cking awesome too. It’s like a drug, the mania that love brings.
It’s just handling that intensity. It’s hard. And sometimes it channels itself into other emotions. Like anger. Or hatred.
Having borderline personality disorder can make you feel like you have to be on the defensive 24/7. It’s exhausting. I’ve yelled at people just because I needed to yell. It’s a horrible thing to do and I regret it every time, but it’s almost like word vomit — I can’t stop it sometimes. But I’m trying so hard.
That’s the thing about BPD… you have to try all day, every day. The intensity it brings is constantly with you. Everything is so much and it feels like you’re the only one who feels it. I’ve found that creative outlets help — finding habits that you can put emotion into, like art, music, or writing.
So how can you help someone with BPD? I know it seems impossible sometimes. I’ve lost so many people because I’ve pushed them away with my intensity.
The most important thing is to continue to give them acceptance and encouragement. Sometimes, it’s so tiring to just go through the day. Reminding people with BPD that they are loved, they are important, and they are wanted around can have more of an effect than you know.
One wrong look could make me think you hate me. The tone of your voice could make me feel like you’re going to leave me.
It’s so hard not to panic.
Things seem so black and white, even though in reality they are not. Help ground your friends with BPD. Bring them back with positivity. Your energy affects the people around you. People with BPD can feed of energy… if you spread love, they will feel it. I will feel it.
I don’t speak for everyone with BPD. Honestly, I don’t think anyone can. It’s mysterious and amazing and terrible all at once. I’m learning to use this intensity to do good things in this world. I’m trying. Don’t give up.
